In my first mystery, A Stranger Here Below, Sheriff Gideon Stoltz’s deputy, Alonzo Bell, is described as “bald as an egg, built dumpy, competent at most every task. Like cleaning a firearm, or tracking down someone to give them a summons, or putting a broken-legged horse out of its misery.” He’s also a gossip and a blabbermouth, and he comes out with more than a few colorful sayings.
Such as when he and Gideon are rooting around for clues among some evil-smelling trash in an alley. Alonzo doesn’t think the search is worthwhile, and he observes that “Large eggs do not come from wrens’ backsides.” In the third mystery in the series (not yet published), he’s famished and says: “I could eat a horse and chase the jockey down.” In some future book, I might insert the following, which I heard from an elderly friend years ago and would be perfect coming from Alonzo after he passes gas (one of many traits that do not endear him to Gideon, twenty years his junior and, at least nominally, his boss): “A farting horse will never tire, a farting man’s the man to hire.”
One of the fun things about writing mysteries set in a rural place in the 1830s is livening the dialogue with the sayings of plain-seeing, plain-speaking people. As when Gideon’s wife, True, describes Gaither Brown, a part-time deputy and a rather unsavory character, as “about as useful as tits on a boar hog.” (This bit of dialogue is also in the third Gideon Stoltz mystery, which I recently finished and sent off to my literary agent.) I heard that earthy gem many years ago from a guy I worked with in central Pennsylvania, and I’d bet my bottom dollar it was current during the Jacksonian era as well.
Gideon is Pennsylvania Dutch. In A Stranger Here Below, he relates the proverb “War ‘m onara ein grub grawbt, flot selwar nei.” Translation: “Whoever digs a grave for others, falls in himself.” It’s apropos, since Gideon is investigating a 30-year-old crime when someone was supposedly murdered, was buried surreptitiously, and was then exhumed so that someone else got wrongly hanged for the murder. The villain who arranged this wickedness gets his just deserts at the mystery’s end. (To learn why the phrase is “just deserts” and not “just desserts,” click HERE.)
Here’s a saying I haven’t used yet but would enjoy doing so: “The devil rules the world, and stupidity rules _______ (put in whatever you want) Valley.” Or town, such as Adamant, where Gideon is sheriff. This comment is attributed to a pastor who ministered to a fractious Pennsylvania Dutch congregation in central Pennsylvania between 1812 and 1839.
A couple more random Dutch ones: “If a rooster crows at night, a hex is passing.” “A hard day’s work makes a soft bed.” “If you would beget male children, keep your boots on and hold a carriage whip or blacksnake whip in your hand during coitus.” Once you have your clothes back on, keep in mind that “If you button a garment unevenly, it brings bad luck to change it.” And “Shrouds have no pockets.” (I’m guessing that one means “You can’t take it with you.”)
The following are from a 1927 book, Scotch-Irish and English Proverbs and Sayings of the West Branch Valley of Central Pennsylvania, by a noted folklorist and raconteur named Henry W. Shoemaker: “A crow is never whiter for washing herself.” “If you kill a white deer, prepare for black misfortune.” “Never let the plow stand to shoot a wild pigeon.” “He would skin a flea and send the hide to market.”
“She would scold the de’il out of a haunted house.” “You can’t find what you’re looking for if the de’il has his foot on it.” Avoiding saying the word “devil” may offer protection against Satan hearing his name, and doing you some mischief. For the same reason, people also used various aliases for Satan, such as the Old Boy, the Imp of Darkness, the Earl of Hell, Old Scratch, Old Clutie, Old Harry, Old Ned, and Old Nick. When Gideon’s mentor, Judge Hiram Biddle, wills to Gideon his hunting dog Old Nick, True quickly changes his name to Old Dick, not wanting the friendly, dependable setter to be named for such an evil being.
There are a lot of sayings about wolves from the 1800s: “It’s a hard winter when wolves eat wolves.” “Though dogs fight amongst themselves, they are one against the wolf.” “Wolves lose their teeth, but not their memory.” “He barks with the dogs and howls with the wolves.” “Hunger fetches the wolf out of the woods.” “A wolfskin saddle pad means endless travel.” Plenty of wolves inhabited the central Pennsylvania wilds when Gideon Stoltz patrolled Colerain County on horseback.
Finally, and for no particular reason other than to bring this somewhat rambling discourse to an end: “It’s wonderful, the things you see when you hain’t got a gun.”
